As I am stepping into ministry this past year, I am unfortunately learning that in the process of finding the light, I started guarding my heart. I am slow to trust people because of the verbal abuse in my past. I am slow to let people really know the real, vulnerable soulful me. I am guarded sometimes in what I say and how I say it. I'm guarded in who participates in my life. The world does not help me want to un-guard my heart either. I was hurt recently by a friend that I considered a good friend, but when she started showing her real self, she turned out to be someone that I didn't like very much. In the past month, she has propositioned one of my dedicated teachers to move over to her center behind my back and stolen something from my office because she felt she deserved it. She is entitled and competitive, and I am not liking those characteristics very much. Honestly, a part of me wants to go right back to guarding my heart because situations like this are what my mind uses to tell me that the world isn't safe, but I know that my soul is calling me to step into a new paradigm.
Stepping into ministry has been a lesson in learning to love all sorts of people. It is easy to love people who are kind and considerate. It is easy to love those that have our back. It is effortless to love those that are a part of our tribe and think like us. It is easy to love that which is in the light. It is much harder to love the shadows in other people. It is far more difficult to open ourselves up and be vulnerable to those that are so strongly masked. It is challenging to love people where they are and how they are. I am learning that people do not have to be in the light to be in my world. I am learning to un-guard my heart and love the imperfections within us all.
The process of cracking my heart open to this kind of Divine love has been difficult, painful, and very necessary. It feels as if God is taking down my armor by both giving me people who love me and are amazingly supportive and simultaneously giving me people who are challenging my old paradigm of pushing people away. I don't want to live in a world where those that know the light isolate away from those that are struggling. I don't want to be the person that pushes people away anymore. There has been many nights where I have told God that I am not sure that I can be this kind of love, but my soul is pushing me toward it which is God responding back that I can. So as far as this friend goes, I am certainly no longer doing business with her because I won't be taken for granted again, but this time, I am not going to withdraw my love and guard my heart. This time I am going to stand in the love of the Divine and allow that to unfold the relationship, provide the forgiveness, and create the light in both of us.
My questions for you this week:
1. How is your own heart guarded? Who do you not allow in?
2. Are there people who are not in the light that you need to release in order to see your own light? Who are they and what do they do?
3. Can you begin to release those relationships?
4. What do you enjoy doing that makes you feel connected to God's love and light?
5. Are there people that you can love unconditionally even though what they do and how they act are not aligned with God yet? What does that look like for you?