I have mentioned Teilhard de Chardin before and his prayer entitled Patient Trust. In that prayer, he reminds us that we must trust the slow work of God to reveal to us in time what our highest expression is; he also reminds us to accept ourselves in the anxiety of feeling in suspense and incomplete. When I went to Parker's retreat last August, I focused much of my own inner work on trying to decide what needed to leave my life because I was feeling overwhelmed and busy. I was running my own spiritual center, attending graduate school and seminary, creating classes, doing my healing bed, on the board for another non-profit, and also a part of a few different spiritual groups in the valley. Honestly, I spent most of that trip in Chicago debating between leaving seminary or graduate school. I felt the heavy anxiety of knowing that something needed to shift but not being clear which element of my life needed to move.
What I could not foresee in those moments in Chicago was that Spirit would unfold for me the answer to that questioning, but those answers were going to take time. I had to learn patient trust and watch Spirit unfold my life through the questions I was asking. I came back to Chicago still questioning. A month and a half later, it became clear that my spiritual center was going to close due to many circumstances out of my control. After it closed, I spent a solid month frozen because I had absolutely no idea what was next for me, and I was consumed in grief over the loss of it. Instead of leaving school and seminary, I began to embrace the experiences of both because I finally had time to really enjoy them. It took me really until December to feel myself connected to Spirit in a real way again. Since regaining that sense of my soul, I have left spiritual communities that I have been a part of for a while, looked at where I am leaking energy in relationships, and left my board work. I have been weaving a new life with my soul in a journey that has led me to a very different place then where I started back at that retreat in Chicago.
The honest answer is that following the soul through it's unfoldment in my life has been messy. There have been times of tremendous growth and times of complete stagnation. I have second guessed myself numerous time, made huge mistakes, tried new things only to realize that I don't like them, and truly felt myself in the suspense of feeling incomplete. Yet, this is the truth of what most of us experience on the spiritual journey. When we ask the soul for guidance, it does not give us a straight answer. Instead it ask us to grow, be flexible in what it is we desire, and learn to follow our hearts. The soul asks us to strengthen our faith both in ourselves and in the Spirit that is guiding us.
Allow yourself to ask those tough inner questions of your soul. Give yourself permission to bob, weave, and slowly unfold in the way that Spirit wants for you. It will be messy, but it will also be worth it.
My questions for you this week:
1. What aspect of your life do you need the most guidance right now? Relationships, health, money, or jobs?
2. Have you asked your soul for the guidance? What does it say? If not, why not?
3. What is one thing you can explore today that would be different than the way you have been living this aspect of your life?
4. Take a moment and get quiet. Ask your soul for additional guidance about only your next step.
5. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Now give yourself permission to be messy in unfolding this new part of you. What does that feel like to give yourself permission to be imperfect in the soul's life?